You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches.
- Dita Von Teese
As young as kindergarten so many of us are taught that no never really means no, it just means "playing hard to get." We think that hair pulling and shin kicking is a display of one's unannounced love, instead of an indication that they just really don't want to be around us. Dita Von Teese's quote goes so much deeper than differences in fruit taste. It calls attention to the very simple, yet often not understood fact, and 2009 romance movie title "He's Just Not That into You" (or she, of course.) This concept seems to get so lost in translation when it’s really quite easy. No one is obligated to want you just because you possess qualities that might be desirable to them.
The difficult part about accepting this is the assumption that there must be something wrong with you for that person to not be interested. But that’s where we’re so wrong. No matter what you do, there will never be enough changes you can make to yourself that will cause an uninterested person to suddenly fall for you. And that’s not about you. People fall in love, or simply just have crushes on other people, for so many different reasons. There is something about you as an individual that will cause some to get weak at the thought of you, while others will barely acknowledge your existence. And sadly because we’re told that being ignored and mistreated is a sign of interest, too many of us tend to go for the wrong ones.
I spent years bending over backwards trying to mold myself into someone that I thought that person wanted me to be. I thought if I did or said certain things it would somehow make him feel for me as I did for him. I tried different hairstyles, clothes, even agreed with him when I knew he was wrong.
I tried coming on strong, I tried playing it cool, I spent time with him, I smiled and nodded when he'd flirt with my friends in front of me, I lied for him, I had sex with him. But none of it was enough. Nothing I did could make him want me, and he didn't need to. It wasn't up to him to reciprocate feelings that he made obvious didn't exist. Although the way he treated me was uncalled for and not acceptable, he told me that he had no interest. He made it clear from the beginning that nothing more would come from this friendship. It was me that continued to try to change his mind. And so much of that had to do with me needing to learn to be secure enough with myself to know that I should never want someone who doesn’t want me back. I needed to understand this in order to come to terms with the fact that he just wasn’t-and never would be- into me. I had to recognize that love is a two way street, and I can’t be the only one on the road.
I'm realizing that a vital component of adult relationships is simply telling people what you want. Making it clear what you are looking for from someone to ensure that your personal wants and needs are met. No subtle hints or bottled up feelings. Just being straightforward, coming right out and telling them. And that’s how I choose to live now. To tell people what I need from them and make clear what my intentions are, and I expect them to do the same. I can now understand that feelings can’t be forced, and some people won’t admire me the way that others do, or the way that I admire myself. Just because they might not see the same things in me that I see, doesn’t make them a bad person, or me any less worthy of love. And just like fruit, I could be the best of the bunch. I could be desirable and magnificent to the eyes of one that craves my kind of fruit. I may be flawless to someone who adores my particular sweetness. But there will always be someone who only likes vegetables, and that’s okay.